The truth behind the update::

I struggled to know if I should write this post, and when I decided that it was an important post to write I really struggled with how to express my feelings.  Adoption is HARD, really really hard.  And we have not even gotten to the hardest parts. 
When we were in our adoption training we learned about loss and grief.  Adoption is filled with loss and grief, for everyone.  Yes, adoption is beautiful bringing families together but there are many aspects to all adoption stories. 
In this particular post I am only going to talk about myself, and the loss and grief I was just faced most recently in our journey.  My feelings are totally different then another persons feelings.  My sadness is going to seem silly and selfish to others who may have experienced different loss and grief in their own journey but I am not going to go into that or a debate over the validity of my feelings.  These are only mine to share.

About a week ago I was on cloud 9 (okay truth be told I still am on cloud 9!)  We had been matched with our little girl, things were moving forward albeit slowly!  But, we were just where we wanted to be.  I was finally sleeping again (that is another story for another day, or maybe not) and this is the photo I have on my night stand.

 

 

The next morning was Charlotte's 16 month birthday.  And I was so surprised when I found an email in my inbox that day with the subject: UPDATE!  I was actually on the phone with my mom when I saw the email.  I think she could tell I was in shock.

I opened the message and immediately saw that we had 3 new photos of Charlotte and a video!  She looked great, healthy, happy, amazing.

But, she was so much bigger and her hair was in little pigtails.  I should have been over the moon, and in fact my husband was.  But, I was sad.  Very sad and cried on and off the whole day.  I was thankfully able to email back and forth with one of my adoption friends who really helped me put everything into perspective.  She was so helpful and so RIGHT about everything she said to me and I will always be so grateful for her.  But as amazing and wonderful it was to hear and know the things my friend was saying I still had to deal with my feelings and my grief.  We took the kids to the first night of VBS and I was in a total fog.  I was tearing up at the drop of a hat.  I know I worried one of my friends.  I could not shake the worry I had for Charlotte, all the unknowns that had flooded my head.  The what ifs, and the fact that she was growing up with out us. 

I am only going to touch on the last of these, she was growing up and that was great news.  I had heard people say it was hard to see from a distance before but never really gave it much thought.  Kids grow and change, that is what they do why be upset by something that should be celebrated.  Well now, now I got it.  I had just gone to bed the night before with a baby pictured in my head and now I was looking at a toddler.  This is what was in my head now, the dramatic version!

 

 





 

 

The truth is, it hurts more then I could have ever been prepared for to realize what you have missed in your child's life.  There are so many things that are gone that we will never get back and it hurts. 

Overall, I am learning to adjust and rearrange the pictures in my head.  It took us a couple of days but Charlotte and I got reacquainted.  It still hurts when I really sit down and think about it, but I am doing much much better now.  Getting a chance to go shopping for this sweetie did a world of good.  Nothing like retail therapy!  

The lessons about life this child is going to teach me are going to be epic.  What a gift to have her in our lives.